Reliving Keith Jackson's senility

Homebound for two days due to snow and ice, I discovered that ESPN Classic was aring a series called 12 Bowls of Christmas, which recounts the (supposedly) 12 greatest bowl games in history. Today, I watched the 2003 Fiesta Bowl and the 2006 Rose Bowl, #s two and one, respectively. The play-by-play for both was done by Keith Jackson and Dan Fouts.

For anyone unfamiliar, Keith Jackson is a senile old coot with a spectacular goose-bump inducing voice. Before retiring a couple of years ago, he would make absurd comments and thankfully, Dan Fouts was always there to put him in his place.

The three most ridiculous comments from these two games, in order of idiocy are:

3. The Fiesta Bowl. Miami vs. Ohio State. Miami has just been flagged in overtime for a bogus pass interference call where the flag came in well after the play and the instant replay clearly shows that the coverage was clean. Keith and Dan are arguing the validity of the PI call for roughly two minutes when...
Keith Jackson: "Now it could've been holding there."
Dan Fouts (sternly): "They called pass interference, Keith!"
Keith Jackson: "That...they did."

What Dan meant to say: "Are you drinking in the booth again? I can't believe they re-upped your contract for another four years."

2. The Rose Bowl. USC vs. Texas. Second quarter.
Keith Jackson: "Texas just showed signs of grabbing [the game] by the horns. Literally, if you'll pardon the pun."

What Keith meant to say: "Beep boop bop boop beep! Durpa durpa durpa."

1. The Rose Bowl. Vince Young has just scored the go-ahead touchdown for Texas with nineteen seconds remaining. In order to go up by a 3 points, Texas attempts a two-point conversion and is successful.
Keith Jackson: "So it's been the Vince Young show when it came to crunch time as Texas goes to a 41-38 lead with only 19...what does that say? 19 seconds to play. Clock didn't move on that play."
Dan Fouts: "It's an extra point. It's probably not going to."

What Dan meant to say: "Actuarial tables are bullsh*t, man."

Something to ponder in your spare time

Is it wrong to think that Jennifer Aniston looks hot in her new St. Jude's Children's Hospital commercial?

Top 3 Christmas films of all-time

The spirit of Christmas is in the air. This time of year, I love to think back on the movies that touch my heart and epitomize the true meaning of the season. In particular, these three stand out above the rest...

3. Bad Santa (2003)
Line that best evokes the spirit of Christmas: "Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa!!!" - Sue

Best line period: "Yeah baby, yeah baby! You ain't gonna shit right for a week." - Willie

2. Christmas Vacation (1989)
Lines that best evoke the spirit of Christmas:
Ellen - "What are you looking at?"
Clark - "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn...the clean, cool chill of the holiday air...an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer..."
Eddie (in the driveway, draining the RV's toilet) - "Shitter was full."

Best lines period:
Todd - "Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?"
Clark - "Bend over and I'll show you."
Todd - "You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold"
Clark - "I wasn't talking to you."

1. Die Hard (1988)
Line that best evokes the spirit of Christmas: "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho." - Hans Gruber

Best line period: "Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker." - John McClane

oh-fer

I was leaving the UW rec center last night and caught a glimpse of an interesting University of Washington football sweatshirt. I debated taking a picture but then realized that, as a 30 year-old working out among teenagers, I probably come off creepy enough without the added perverted-ness of snapping photos of co-eds. So rather than unnerve the young sweatshirt-wearing girl by asking her if I could take her picture, I simply stared at her until I memorized the verbiage:

University of Washington Football
2 National Championships
7 Rose Bowl Championships
15 Conference Championships
649 All-time wins

Aside from the fact that they've only won ONE National Championship, it occurred to me that UW football currently enjoys a luxury seldom experienced by other programs. The nice thing about being the first Pac-10 school ever to finish a season 0-12 is that they don't have to reprint that sweatshirt next year.

"There can be only one."

Over the past 15 months, I’ve must’ve driven back and forth between Seattle and Portland somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 times. By far, the best part of my trip north is just about a mile south of Kelso, Washington, where the sign for "FOOD EXIT 39" draws my attention every time I pass. In addition to service stations, Mexican(ish) food and a drug store, Kelso is home to the Hilander Family Fun Center. Now I’ve never actually been inside the Fun Center but something about it speaks to me like a siren song from the freeway. I’m can’t quite put my finger on it—maybe it’s the prospect of kicking back and enjoying a warm meal, the bowling alley and some video games. Or perhaps it’s the idea that even in this fast-paced world, it’s still possible to take your family somewhere and enjoy an afternoon together. And yet, I’m simultaneously repulsed by the thought of setting foot inside.

In an effort to get to the bottom of this, I pulled over on the shoulder of the freeway on Sunday to document the signage that seems to conjure up such conflicting emotions in me.

Lovesick fool

On Friday night, I was introduced to a brilliant application for the iPhone suitably titled Last Call. This app allows you to enter in your body weight and the type of drink you've just consumed and then it displays your current Blood Alcohol Content along with your forecasted BAC for the coming hours. You repeat this process as many times as you see fit. It's also got a listing of local taxi cab companies and DUI lawyers. And when you wake up in the morning, you know you're almost sober enough to drive to breakfast. It's really a remarkable use of technology.

Then your roommate drops your iPhone into a cup of water and your apps cease to function, thereby depriving you of this valuable intrinsic knowledge.

Alfred Tennyson said, "'Tis' better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Well I call bullsh*t. I prefer the sentiment of loss, flawlessly expressed by Barney Gumble, "Don't cry for me, I'm already dead."

I ran

After four happy hour India Pale Ales and an entire $5 pizza, a two block dead sprint to catch your bus doesn't sound all that appealing. Then again, waiting 30 minutes in the freezing cold for the next bus kind of sucks too. Tonight, I opted for the running route.

Very few things in life motivate me enough to sprint toward: Stacks of money about to be lit on fire and Jessica Alba stripping sit atop my short list. A public bus with a gizz, vomit and garbage motif wouldn't normally be a front-runner. But tonight it was.

It's difficult to explain the sensation that comes with heaving and wheezing for twenty minutes straight following only 15 seconds of intense physical exertion. On that bus tonight, I became light-headed and saw "spots" while hunched over panting and staring at my shoes. You really have to experience something like this to understand it. Some call it being "out-of-shape." Others would dub it "pathetic." I call it something else entirely.

"Runner's high" is considered mythical by skeptics. Those naysayers clearly haven't experienced the euphoria that accompanies intense bouts of exercise. And maybe they never will.

douche (dōōsh) noun; 1. an instrument for applying a douche

"Cheers to me gluing my pubic hair onto my face."

Everybody gets laid! (off)

My boss handed me my "Position Elimination Overview" packet on Monday. I eventually opened the envelope and reviewed the heading on the first of nine pages. As it turns out, my last day as an employee of Washington Mutual will be January 29th, 2009. For anyone without a calendar immediately in front of you, that's a Thursday--what a bunch of idiots! They totally gave me a three-day weekend! That's probably a good thing, as I could use the extra day to finally read the next eight pages of the packet.